Waiting for Silence in the Silence...

You would think that this post's title says it all...and it does, but only in the most simplistic terms.

At this point I have gained no new insights on my current area of focus: Prayer.  And I still have over a month to continue my focus on this topic.

But I continue to follow through on this part of my life, because I don't want to stop short of learning how to better communicate and adore God.  I continue to wait in hope that I can uncover what the Lord is trying to tell me.  I do think this is very appropriate timing, as we are in the thick of advent...the season of Hope.

Unfortunately, I'm not the best at persevering when I see little or no progress or reward.  I want to know that what I am doing, by waiting, will create a better faith life and closer relationship with Jesus. 

At this point, I'm not sure if this challenge will help or is a total waste of my time. 

Am I praying the right way? Am I supposed to be doing this challenge at all?  Is this really what God wants me to do? 

All this questions and doubts are continually flowing in my head as I try to pray.  It's enough to drive a girl mad. And I know why....I'm seeking silence and when my head is in constant motion, I can seem to connect with Him as I'd like (and I'm sure as the Lord would like as well).

During the rush to get everything done and ready for Christmas and New Years,  silence is hard to come by.  This makes me feel especially blessed to have my committed hour in adoration, but sad that I feel it sometimes is not enough time to really calm my brain and really find Jesus and hear what He wants to tell me.



Do I need to run away to a monastery to hear the Lord in silence?
Feels that way sometimes.

Then again, this reminds me of what Matthew Kelly says about finding a routine within my prayer routine.  Perhaps finding some sort of routine would help me quiet myself during the hour and help me to claim my focus on praying.  A rosary...a chaplet... a psalm...hmmm something to further ponder and experiment with.  Although I'm not sure that during this time of year with any routine, that I will be easily focused, but it's worth a shot.

Learning to See Helps me to Pray

I've noticed one little thing about myself and my prayers since beginning to focus on them.  I can't focus!  During prayer (and dare I say Mass also), my mind is going over details of work, or what I need to tell a friend, or people I need to call, or any other minute detail that does not matter including what's for dinner. 

I can only imagine God sitting there waiting for me to get back to my conversation with Him.  It's like I'm sitting across from Him, but  I'm checking my Twitter while He's trying to tell me something. So I know that I am just not listening when this happens.

                                                                             How can I better focus and listen to what my Lord is trying to tell me?  First, I've noticed one thing that is missing most of the time when this occurs....SILENCE!  When did I start doing Morning prayer with the TV going in the background? When did the radio or CD payer start continuously playing in my car?  So I've resolved to no longer turn the TV on until after Morning prayer is completed.  We shall see if this makes a difference in my focus during my prayer and if it deepens the experience.

Well, I should know better, but I also realized that when I get distracted, I've not been aware of how blessed I am in this world. My prayer lacks any amount of thanksgiving. I guess this is a timely realization with Turkey Day only a couple days ago.

 

  Ingratitude!  My prayer, at that point, seems to be coming to me with the idea that it should somehow entertain me. Now I realize that it should be also about thanking God for all that is already in my life that He has seen fit to provide. When did I become so unaware of these things and forget in my prayer to give thanks for everything that I have and see around me.

 

I have recently told myself, when I start to wander, there is something here in front of me that I should be thanking God for and since it is not coming to my mind by listening, it is somewhere around me.  I have begun learning to SEE what is around me and the BLESSINGS that are right before my eyes.  When I start looking around me, I can find so much to talk to the Lord about or realize how much I am blessed, that I begin to SEE His love and I can't help but put my focus back on Him.  I don't know how I became "blind" to these things in my life, but discovering and uncovering all that God has done for me and my salvation, brings my heart and my prayer back to Him.

 

Beauty the Lord provides to remind out hearts that He loves us!

The Lord Provides...Even When You Have No Clue

Prayer being the first sign Matthew Kelly designates in The Four Signs of a Dynamic Catholic, I immediately thought after posting my intentions last week, "How am I going to focus on Prayer?!?"

I mean, I do go often to Weekday Mass, and I pray Morning prayer every morning. I stop by for adoration at a chapel close to where I work most days for at least 15 minutes if not an hour of adoration.  So, of course I could pray more, but is more really better? What am I supposed to do for three months while focusing on prayer.

But God always provides...always.  And this was no exception.

 

 

After posting, I looked at my email for the day and what do I see....My Read the Catechism in a Year email comes through (which I admit have not read many of these emails this past year or even paid attention to them) and the subject line is "Day 378- Meditative Prayer" CCC section 2705-2708! 

First thing I thought, hmmm...this is supposed to be Read the Catechism in a Year...but it's Day 378?  Maybe they got thrown off when the world didn't end according to the Mayan calendar last December?  Or you really can't read the Catechism in a year and they were just overly optimistic that we would get through all the material.  Makes me think about when you get to the last month of the school year and your US History teacher realizes that they still have to cover almost 175 years of the history lessons.

Secondly, this made me think, I need to go back to the basics and learn what prayer is and what better source than the Catechism. So I have pulled it off the bookshelf and dusted it off for some further research.  Turns out, the Church has a lot to say in it's teachings about prayer (and I'm slowly going through the Prayer section of the catechism now to make sure I get everything out of it that I can).

So beyond this "learning" more about prayer, I did one other thing in hopes of awakening my prayer life.  I actually signed up for an adoration hour.  As I said, God provides.  This week there was a sign up sheet outside the chapel I frequent. And I do stop by on a daily basis usually.  But to have an hour assigned to me does two things for me: 

A. I have to be there. People are counting on me to be there. Plus, there is something in me that lights up when I think that I have a date with Jesus.

B. I have that hour set aside from my schedule that I can't just dismiss or leave early.  God is going to get one hour from me that day. And let me tell you, sometimes it is tough to stay that long, but I know that this is helping me to become still and listen to him.



One week has just flown by, and I really cannot tell much difference for myself in my prayer life.  I'm continuing on in the hope that there will be some cumulative effect for me.  In the end, I can not see where focusing on prayer for 3 months could have an adverse effect.  I guess I will just have to be patient (not a strong area for me) to see what fruits this bears.

Challenge Myself...Why would I do that!

How many challenges have you put yourself through in your lifetime.  Me....absolutely none!  Up until this point, anyway.  And the only reason I am doing this one is because IT HAS TO BE DONE! 

I recently picked up a book (imagine that, me pick up a book...more on why this should not surprise anyone in a later post) and it seemed like it would just be another rehashing of the same old ideas and a finger-wagging book.  It was just going to tell me what I was doing wrong, or not doing as a  Catholic to be a "good Catholic".  Or it was going to tell me that what I was already doing is what should be done.  The latter would be, I suppose, worse for me as that would be a waste of space on my bookshelf!  A horrible crime if you ask me.

Instead, Matthew Kelly's book, Four Signs of a Dynamic Catholic, has inspired me to challenge myself to grow in the four areas he proposes are significant to engaging Catholics in their faith.  Not that I don't find myself in what Kelly would consider to be the "engaged" category already. By his description, I would most likely would be considered engaged. However, I'm hoping this will spur me on to an even more involved state and inspire those around me to a deeper faith. Besides, I know there are definitely areas that I need to improve if I'm going to live my faith fully...I don't really know anyone that can't say the same.

And that brings me to this challenge- the game changer (at least for me).  In order not to just set this book on the shelf and say, "Well that has some great ideas," I knew I needed something to get me to follow-through and apply what I had read.  I don't write professionally (as I'm sure that is apparent), but I do know that writing down my thoughts and experiences helps them solidify and sink into my life.  I want to be dynamic in my faith and this is my attempt to do so.

My plan is to take each of the signs and focus on it for 3 months, making the challenge a daunting, but doable, year long.  What that "focus" entails, I don't know exactly.  I do believe that keeping this challenge in mind daily and bringing that area of my faith before God in prayer (the first sign Kelly mentions) each day will help me discern just what I need to do or learn about that area of my relationship with Christ.  I will try the actions suggested by Kelly as a starting point and I'm trusting that this will all make a difference to me, my family and friends, and to my Lord.

I don't expect anyone to find, let alone follow, this journey I'm about to begin and document.  It's not for others in that sense.  If no one does read this, but I find a greater joy and love for Jesus in this year and can help those around me see that in my daily life, that is enough for me and more than enough to justify putting this out there in the abyss that is now the internet.

Blessed Mother Mary pray for me to follow where your Son leads me in the year to come.

 

 

 

And so I begin...