I've Waited and Voila....

Nothing new.

Well actually, I think I am backsliding a bit and I am just now trying to gain back a little momentum to end my time focusing on the first sign of Prayer.

I can't believe that the 3 months is almost over and I know there must be some change that has occurred in my faith/prayer life.  I just think that I am too close to it, to see what really is happening. Or I'm maybe 3 months is not enough to really make much progress.

Or maybe, I'm still waiting on God as deep prayer is a gift that He gives us.  We really can't make communion with God happen.  Vocal prayers, yes I can make that happen. Meditation, yes, that too.

But true contemplation, that is a gift from God and all I can do is make myself as ready as I can to receive that gift.  What being ready means...well I'll let the great St. Teresa tell us:

 Once we have done our part to recollect ourselves and to give ourselves to the Lord, he takes us at our word and give us the Prayer of Quiet. This is a supernatural state and is thus beyond our control. It is a pure gift that we “can only receive . . . with thanksgiving.”
                                                               -St. Teresa of Avila, The Way of Perfection

Recollect and then give myself to the Lord.  I don't know about you, but to completely give everything of me to the Lord is not coming so easily.  I almost say that I stubbornly refuse to give certain things in my life to God. 

Can I give Him all my worry?  I'm sure that He could handle it, but then what would I do with all that time I spend worrying....hmmm I kind of see where this is going. 

Can I give Him my sins, my health problems, my tiredness, my emotions, my heart....

There's a lot a girl would have to give and while it sounds like a no brainer to give these to Him, it is not easy (at least for me)!

Although patience is not my strong suit, I really have no other choice for now, but to remain faithful and surrender what I am able and ask the Lord to help me give the rest to Him.  And hopefully I can continue to maintain my prayer habits I have tried to cement during this time while I move on soon to the next of the four signs Kelly presents...

Waiting for Silence in the Silence...

You would think that this post's title says it all...and it does, but only in the most simplistic terms.

At this point I have gained no new insights on my current area of focus: Prayer.  And I still have over a month to continue my focus on this topic.

But I continue to follow through on this part of my life, because I don't want to stop short of learning how to better communicate and adore God.  I continue to wait in hope that I can uncover what the Lord is trying to tell me.  I do think this is very appropriate timing, as we are in the thick of advent...the season of Hope.

Unfortunately, I'm not the best at persevering when I see little or no progress or reward.  I want to know that what I am doing, by waiting, will create a better faith life and closer relationship with Jesus. 

At this point, I'm not sure if this challenge will help or is a total waste of my time. 

Am I praying the right way? Am I supposed to be doing this challenge at all?  Is this really what God wants me to do? 

All this questions and doubts are continually flowing in my head as I try to pray.  It's enough to drive a girl mad. And I know why....I'm seeking silence and when my head is in constant motion, I can seem to connect with Him as I'd like (and I'm sure as the Lord would like as well).

During the rush to get everything done and ready for Christmas and New Years,  silence is hard to come by.  This makes me feel especially blessed to have my committed hour in adoration, but sad that I feel it sometimes is not enough time to really calm my brain and really find Jesus and hear what He wants to tell me.



Do I need to run away to a monastery to hear the Lord in silence?
Feels that way sometimes.

Then again, this reminds me of what Matthew Kelly says about finding a routine within my prayer routine.  Perhaps finding some sort of routine would help me quiet myself during the hour and help me to claim my focus on praying.  A rosary...a chaplet... a psalm...hmmm something to further ponder and experiment with.  Although I'm not sure that during this time of year with any routine, that I will be easily focused, but it's worth a shot.

Learning to See Helps me to Pray

I've noticed one little thing about myself and my prayers since beginning to focus on them.  I can't focus!  During prayer (and dare I say Mass also), my mind is going over details of work, or what I need to tell a friend, or people I need to call, or any other minute detail that does not matter including what's for dinner. 

I can only imagine God sitting there waiting for me to get back to my conversation with Him.  It's like I'm sitting across from Him, but  I'm checking my Twitter while He's trying to tell me something. So I know that I am just not listening when this happens.

                                                                             How can I better focus and listen to what my Lord is trying to tell me?  First, I've noticed one thing that is missing most of the time when this occurs....SILENCE!  When did I start doing Morning prayer with the TV going in the background? When did the radio or CD payer start continuously playing in my car?  So I've resolved to no longer turn the TV on until after Morning prayer is completed.  We shall see if this makes a difference in my focus during my prayer and if it deepens the experience.

Well, I should know better, but I also realized that when I get distracted, I've not been aware of how blessed I am in this world. My prayer lacks any amount of thanksgiving. I guess this is a timely realization with Turkey Day only a couple days ago.

 

  Ingratitude!  My prayer, at that point, seems to be coming to me with the idea that it should somehow entertain me. Now I realize that it should be also about thanking God for all that is already in my life that He has seen fit to provide. When did I become so unaware of these things and forget in my prayer to give thanks for everything that I have and see around me.

 

I have recently told myself, when I start to wander, there is something here in front of me that I should be thanking God for and since it is not coming to my mind by listening, it is somewhere around me.  I have begun learning to SEE what is around me and the BLESSINGS that are right before my eyes.  When I start looking around me, I can find so much to talk to the Lord about or realize how much I am blessed, that I begin to SEE His love and I can't help but put my focus back on Him.  I don't know how I became "blind" to these things in my life, but discovering and uncovering all that God has done for me and my salvation, brings my heart and my prayer back to Him.

 

Beauty the Lord provides to remind out hearts that He loves us!